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Archive for March, 2009

As you may or may not have gathered, the last few months have been rather stressful and, unlike my usual flee into the written word, I’ve lived completely in the real world. No-wonder I feel so out of control. No way to bring structure to the chaos if the words stay inside. No linear “sorting” of things confused, into orderly stacks.

It’s been an interesting time. A difficult time. A heartwrenching time, filled with pain and doubt and moral debate. And I’ve had to sort through it all in my head, unable to share on paper, the words unspeakable, absorbing the confusion and anger, the guilt and the anguish of those around me.

No, don’t get me wrong, I’ve spewed out my own anger and guilt and grief, but not very constructively. What I’m trying to do here is say thank you. A really big thank you to those of you who have told me I needn’t apologise for cancelling arrangements, going to bed and leaving a house full of guests to be entertained by my long suffering husband, crying drunken tears of rage and despair, having loud and inappropriate arguments over religion at a very respectable dinner party. So instead of apologising, I want to say thank you, to my husband, to my mother-in-law and to my friends who have been there to listen to me, to hold me and to indulge me in my very public falling apart. I think I’m okay now. Because of you!

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Dear Isla,

I can’t take away the pain. I think those are the hardest words a mother can say out loud. Actually, they’re the hardest to acknowledge in the quiet spaces of my soul too. The fact that my love, as all encompassing and profound as it is, cannot protect you from experiencing life and death and loss is one of the most painful realisations of my own life.
All I can really do is provide a space for you to be. A space for you to mourn and to feel your pain, because bunny, you do need to feel it. I can try to make that space as secure as I can by surrounding you with my love so that all the sharp edges of your reality can bump and cut into me and you can see that no matter what, my love remains unbroken.
I want you to know that despite what you think, despite all the anger and hurt that you’re feeling right now, you will get through this… we’ll get through this, and as much as you feel that you’re all alone, you’re not. I’m right here beside you and I’ll “keep bleeding love”.

love
mom

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